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What does it mean to be late diagnosed Autistic? What does it mean to be Autistic? I never thought I would be asking myself these questions at 30 years old. This isn’t the way life is supposed to go.

By the time you hit your 30s, you’re supposed to be married with 1.5 kids and your second one on the way. You’re supposed to be a few years and a few promotions into your career. You’re supposed to be a new homeowner. You’re not supposed to feel like you’re going through adult-puberty.

Well, that’s what late diagnosed Autism feels like for me: adult-puberty. People always say middle school is so difficult because that’s when we hit puberty and the shit hits the fan. I don’t really remember that being the case for me, but I suppose there were a lot of things about my childhood that I didn’t have a typical lens through which to experience them.

Instead, it feels like I’m only just now the most awkward, confused, and insecure version of myself I’ve ever been. I’ve never been the cool kid, so fitting in wasn’t something I used to worry about but now it’s like I’m a martian and I don’t even belong on this planet.

Perhaps what’s most frustrating about only just now learning I’m Autistic is accepting that I can’t un-know what I know, can’t un-see what I see in myself, and can’t un-live parts of my life I’d rather do differently. The veil is lifted and it wasn’t what I was expecting.

That old saying, “ignorance is bliss” keeps ringing in my ears as I walk around feeling like I’m holding this giant secret that I’m not supposed to have. Am I supposed to tell my family, friends, and colleagues? How do I know if it’s safe for me to do that? Does it actually matter if I’m Autistic because I don’t think I’m going to fundamentally change… right?

As I learn about unmasking, I wonder if I will seem like a totally different person. What does that mean for my relationships? What does that mean for my job? I love what I do, but there’s also some things about my job that are extremely taxing. Is there space enough for me to still exist where I do and be neurodivergent?

But also like… I really, really thought I was just average. Learning that I’m neurodivergent has me questioning so many things. Like what do people really think about me? How many cues have I missed and were there any that were critical moments? And who the hell actually is neurotypical? What is life like when you’re neurotypical?

I don’t know where this road will lead me, but I suppose I’m obligated to follow it now. I know there will be ups and downs, and zigs and zags. I’m hopeful that the journey will be worth the trouble and maybe one day life will feel stable again.

Until then, we’ll keep moving along…

~dr. b